Advice

I live with my sister and she appears to have split personality syndrome. How do you deal with one person, when she is actually two?

Jena: The easy answer is to move your assets out. However, my guess is if it were that simple you would be long gone. I am assuming that the split personality you are referring to is really just different moods—certainly if you were really dealing with schizophrenia your sister would be in treatment. I would do whatever I could to not aggravate the situation and in the meantime work diligently toward separate residences.

Michele: I take it that one of those persons is one that you are unhappy with. If so, I suggest that when that one enters you just do a little splitting and return when you think the nicer one is there.

Elana: If she were my sister, being that I love her, I would move as soon as possible. But if she were not my sister, I would beat her backside. Non-violently of course.

My husband and I are separated, but it is not my choice. I still love my husband. Because of this, I have issues with other guys. Give me your insight on moving on.

Jena: This question is really difficult to answer without knowing the full scope of the situation. However, regardless of the situation I would strongly recommend taking the steps to bring closure or reconciliation to the current relationship—the marriage—before even attempting to develop other relationships. My guess is that one of the largest issues you have in new relationships would certainly have to be that you have not dealt with the current relationship.

Michele: Give yourself a little time. You know time really does heal all wounds. You don't need a man around for that.

Elana: I think you should examine why you are having such a hard time dealing with this, then perhaps you will be able to move on. Consider seeking the services of a counselor or clergy in helping you to examine the why.

I have a friend who has been alone for the last couple of years. Now she has found someone and she believes she is head over heels in love. Do you think it is pure infatuation, desperation for companionship or is it love? Might I add that she has only been dating him for a couple of months.

Jena: Again, not knowing the full scope of the situation this is difficult to answer. I would say it could be either of the situations. But even if she is in love, chances are she does not really know who she is in love with given that they have known each other for such a short time. Time will tell. They could either be a Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley or they could be our grandparents who were married for over sixty years. Lets just hope they take their time and get to know each other.

Michele: Well that could be either or. Although this may be love at first bite, I personally believe in love at first sight as well.

Elana: I think that it is likely that she is just seeking affection and that she really is not thinking clearly. However, I could be wrong.

Do you believe that a person may not be able to completely exit out of one relationship due to certain circumstances, yet get involved in another relationship in the meantime? And, actually love the next person in another relationship?

Jena: Sure they can, people do it all the time. Its called adultery when they are married. And when they are not married, it has been known to really complicate things. We see it on Jerry Springer all the time.

Michele: Yes, I did it myself. It took some time, but now in my new relationship I find myself being for happy. I truly hope it lasts a lifetime. But if not, it's like riding a bicycle--if I fall I'll just get up and try again. That is get up and try again for my happiness, with or without a relationship.

There are these folks in my office who are addicted to your advice column. They read the questions and argue about which one of you is right all week long. It’s really getting kind of crazy. Do you have any advice for us? By the way, I’m one of these folks.

Jena: The Jerry Springer Show is always looking for some really good knockdown, drag-it-out brawls.

Michele’: I would suggest that you start visiting other parts of our SisterPlay.com site. There are certainly less antagonizing sections—although just as interesting.

I am a 35 year-old woman and have been abstinent for over a year now. This happens to be by choice. I am sort of waiting for Mr. Right to come along before I decide I am ready for that, but on the other hand the libido is kicking in. What do you recommend? Continue to remain abstinent or satisfy my desire?

In Heat in Southwest Georgia

Jena: I just don’t see the point if you haven’t found the Mr. Right.

Michele’: Well young lady I personally recommend that if you have been abstinent this long by choice, then you should continue and wait for the right man-- and the right moment!

Elana: Satisfy your desire, safely. Remember this advice column is just in fun. Please don’t take this advice too seriously—especially this advice. Chuckle.

I am not happy with my current job. I have every opportunity to leave town to better myself. The trouble is I am afraid to leave town because I have never been anywhere else. I have the resources and a place to live. All I have to do is go. What do you say?

Jena: Spread your wings and fly. But I would try to fly with a job in place.

Michele’: If you have an opportunity to better yourself then I truly think you should take the chance even if it means changing your lifelong residence. If you have children, this may be a chance to better their future.

Jena: I think it may be derived from the term “hooch” which is defined as illegally distilled whisky. Perhaps it is a “mama” or woman who acts like she has consumed hooch.

Michele’: I do not think a "hoochie mama" is not necessarily a whore. I think of a "hoochie mama" as an underdressed woman.

Elana: In my opinion a "hoochie mama" is a woman who dresses provacatively, behaves inappropriately with men, and lets anyone know that she has what it takes to get what she wants from a man.

I am 40 years old. I have been working at jobs that pay just above minimum wage all of my life. I know that I have the ability to go to school and up my skills, but I just cannot seem to get motivated. Do you have any suggestions?

Jena: Seldom do my sisters and I see eye-to-eye, but this is one of those rare instances. I would say, follow their advice. Many times a lack of motivation is simply a side-effect of the fear of failure. As long as you do not try, you cannot fail. The flipside is that if you do not try, you cannot succeed.

Michele': Pray

Elana: Stop making excuses and just do it!

Dear Sisters,

Is it me? Am I really the only one who is fed up with people slamming Martha Stewart? She's going to jail, isn't that enough?

Softy in South Georgia

Jena: I'm really fed up with people kicking folks when they are already on the ground. That includes not only Martha but anyone else. It is simply not entertaining for me, however the ratings seem to indicate it is for many.

Michele': Well, maybe it's not just you. However, Martha is in the public eye big-time and just like any other high profile person that is accused of being guilty of crime, even when doing time they to have been slammed. Why should she be treated differently?

Elana: Since I am not that up on the Martha situation, I am going to pass on this one.

Dear Sisters,

I have a 10 year old son. This little boy calls him at least five times a night. I don't want to be rude, but this needs to stop. How can I deal with this without offending his parents?

Jena: Speak to the child's parents. Explain the problem. Usually they can be of assistance. If not, when the child calls just explain that your child is unavailable for the rest of the evening. I believe that would be in keeping with the truth. I do not recommend lying.

Michele': Just simply tell him your child can't talk on the phone unless it is school assignment related, except for days that there is no school the following day, and that there is a time limit. If that doesn't work I suggest you speak with the parents, offensive or not.

Elana: Simply tell the child, "Baby don't call my house anymore, something is wrong with my phone."

Fed Up With Kiddie Calls

Dear Sisters,

I am seven years old. Is there really an Easter Bunny?

Jena: I have spotted the Easter Bunny at Wal-Mart or in the mall on occasion, however I certainly hope you are aware that Easter is the day we recognize the resurrection of Christ.

Michele': Sweetie, only to one's imagination.

Elana: Yes honey, in the department stores.

Looking for the Easter Bunny

I am concerned that one of my best friends is about to make a very big mistake! I think she is rushing into a marriage without weighing out the good and the bad. I know you can never really know until you go for it, however, I also think there are signals of probable success or failure. My friend has been in one bad relationship and has 2 young children. Although these are two different men, I think she should recognize the signs. She called me last week and informed me she was getting married next week. I asked her if she is sure and she said about 85% sure. Being her friend, I am very worried. I gave her my blessings but I don't know. What do you think?

Concerned "Best" Friend

Jena: I am going to go out on a limb on this one. My guess is that your concerns are due to some insight that you have not shared with us. I would think about what you would hope a true friend would do if the situation were reversed. I personally would want my friend to share their concerns with the understanding they come from the heart and that they will fully support whatever decision I make. I would also encourage them to speak to their clergy or a family counselor before making such a serious move. I think this is totally different from expressing concerns after the vows have been spoken--but that's another question entirely. Could it jeopardize your friendship? Sure it could. But in my opinion that is the difference between friends and "best" friends--best friends are willing to take bigger risks.

Michele': Continue giving her your blessings. Hope the marriage really does work out and is a union of happiness and longevity .

Elana: Good luck to her! Let her take a chance, after all there is no guarantee with any marriage--in fact life itself is a gamble.

I’m often told that I can achieve anything if I give it my all. I feel that the issue is that there are some things that some people are just not good at. By this comment, do you think I am not trying hard enough and making excuses, or do you agree that some people are just not good at some things?

Jena: It is a question only that person can answer. I do believe different people have different strengths. That being said, in my lifetime I cannot recall an instance when something that I set out to learn was not within my grasp. Well, maybe one instance—a singer I am not. However, I can recall times when something was beyond the effort I was willing to put forth. I will say that in my heart, I have always known when it my ability or when it was my attitude that was an obstacle. But there have been times when I ignored my heart and labeled my “excuse” as “the reason” for not giving my best.

Michele’: Personally, I believe that you can achieve anything you would like to achieve. But I also think that you may not be as good as others at those achievements. On the other hand, you might also be better than others at some achievements.

Elana: I believe it can be either or. Sometimes you make excuses that you cannot do something because you do not want to put forth the effort. And sometimes, you really may not be good at it. But try it before you dish it.

I am a 25 year-old single male with no children. I have a low-paying job that I do not like. There is another job available at a different company that pays more. I have a ninety percent chance of getting that job. The problem is I really do not like the other job duties either, but I do like the pay. What do you think I should do?

Jena: All things being equal, I would take the higher paying job. However, I would look carefully to ensure that everything is equal, such as, future opportunities for advancement, opportunity for moving into positions that are more suitable, benefits, etc.

Michele’: If I didn’t care for either job, I would take the higher paying job.

I am a single mother of a son who is 10, and he will not sleep in his room alone. Yep you guessed right; he sleeps in my bed. What am I to do?

Jena: Well, in light of this Michael Jackson stuff, I would do something in a hurry. On a serious note, I am really not sure what you should do. You have obviously neglected to do something that should have been done years ago. However at this point, I would consult my pediatrician before doing anything too hastily.

Michele’: I suggest that you try moving into his room and sleeping in his bed. Even try taking over his room—his television, games, toys and all. That'll do it.

Elana: Kick him out, and let him know it is a part of growing up.

Dear Sisters,

I have this sister who seems to think Christmas is definitely a time for giving gifts. She thinks that no matter what your situation is you should be able to do so. She thinks that even if you go to the $1 store that as long as you are giving it doesn't matter. On the one hand I think that it is nice if you can give gifts, but I prefer life and love overall. Besides this is a day of celebration--know what I mean! What do you think?

Jena: Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of Christ—nothing more, nothing less. How one chooses to celebrate that wondrous event is a personal decision. However, I do find it is sad that the custom of gift giving at Christmas has diminished to a level where some feel it is an obligation rather than an expression of good will. I think it sad that some have moved to the point where the value of a one-dollar gift given in the true spirit of love is unequal to an expensive gift given in the true spirit of love.

Michele’: Well folks at Christmas time although we know it as being the birth of Christ, we tend to think of it as a season for giving presents, when it should be gifts. Gifts I mean as the life and love. I say this because with all of the gifts I received they still didn’t amount up to the love and seeing my family alive and well, bringing me joy and laughter. When all of my friends and family were gone I felt so empty, even though the presents were still there.

Elana: Christmas is about love and family. But, if you can give non-stressfully that to is nice. But if you can't give having love and being with your family should be more than enough.

I am a 35 year-old single, divorced mother of one child. I live with my mother. It is a very difficult situation because she thinks I'm lazy. She doesn't understand why a person who is up from 5 a.m. until about 11 p.m. most nights doing something besides relaxing is tired. She also says that I can't have a male friend to come visit me in her home. She always gets mad at me about something or nothing. She tells me she will be glad when I get out of her house. But if I go out and stay late and my child isn't there with her, she gets mad because she is there by herself. So sisters, tell me what do you think--what would you say to mom?

Jena: I would not say anything to my mom if this was taking place. At least nothing more than I love her and will always be a part of her life. I would simply try to find the resources to get out on my own.

Elana: Although I understand that you do not want to hurt your mother’s feelings, you must know that you are an adult with responsibilities. And since this is true, the only answer is to get on with your own life. Your mother has lived her own life the way she chose--and continues to do so. Now you must do the same.

I have two male friends. One of them talks as if he could be very generous. He is an attractive man who is 19 years older than me. The other freely admits to being a tightwad. He is also attractive and four years my junior. I am attracted more to the tightwad. What should I do?

Jena: There is some missing information here. I hate to admit to this, but the first thought that came to my mind had to do with the older gentleman’s virility. My guess is that these two men are on two opposite spectrums in this area and that may have a little to do with why you are more attracted to the younger one. If that area is important to you--and it is not for everyone--then I would not settle for less. It might come back to haunt you in a couple of years. But truly, you should be looking at so very much more than these two criteria--you don't mention their heart or character.

Elana: It seems that you are more attracted to the younger one whom is a tightwad, and this is a problem for you. My suggestion is to find someone whom you can be attracted to who is not a tightwad.

I am a Christian who has not participated in organized religion in quite awhile. One of the main reasons is that I am not in a financial position to support the church financially the way I feel I should. I have found a church that I would like to make my home, however am still hesitant to join because of this. What do you think?

Jena: I would speak with the pastor of the church you are interested in and explain the situation. If his guidance is not something you can abide by, then I would seek another home church. It is my hope for you, that will not be the case.

Michele’: I have been in the same situation for quite some time. Since I know that God forgives us for all things if we ask, and since it is up to God only to convict me on my decision, I just pray that God spares me the time to get there.

Elana: I think that you should make your decision based on the fact that you are not promised tomorrow.

Early one morning I came into work as happy as I could be. Someone looked at me and said in the presence of several people that they did not like my attire. I was offended. I quickly responded, “I like them and that is all that matters.” I guess that I may have said it with an attitude. Do you think I overreacted?

Jena: I don’t really know what tone you reacted in, but my guess is since you are writing us it was pretty sharp. I think that you probably reacted the best you could that morning. We all have good days and better days. I think the other person’s actions were probably inappropriate, although I do wonder if you guys joke around regularly like this. At any rate, you were offended, you reacted, and that person knows that you were offended. You probably will not have this problem again. As Barney Fife would say, you “nipped it in the bud.”

Michele’: Maybe or maybe not. Being the person I am, probably would have been a little offended myself.

I am interested in this very beautiful woman. We have this distance problem--about 300 miles worth. Sometimes it seems as though she doesn't seem to want to give me the time of day. There are other times that everything appears great. I think that she may have another man's interest in her eyes. What should I do?

Jena: It sounds as if at some point you and this lady have made this distance a non-issue--the times when everything is great. If this lady is really special, and you really want her to be a significant part of your life, then you would be doing whatever makes everything great more often. I believe that generally speaking women can be in love and be faithful no matter where their men are. But the question sounds like a man's thinking, because he cannot imagine a distance so great and a person being faithful. Are you sure your question is really about this woman's feelings? Or is it about your inability to conceive that a person so far away could not help but wander? Let me ask, do you have or have you had another woman's interest in your eyes? Women, do you think the guys out there bought my reasoning? Smile.

Michele': Beauty is okay but if she has the heart that you are so looking for, then I recommend that you either come closer to her, bring her closer to you, or make the distance work. Love works no matter how far apart you are-- if it's really love.

Elana: Maybe someone else has her interest. Maybe not. I personally am just not a long distance relationship person. So taking the strain of distance into consideration, it would not surprise me if someone else was in the picture.

I have a pair of Liz Claiborne jeans that fit me perfectly--better than any other jeans that I have owned in recent history. A couple of months ago I spilled a drop of bleach on them. The spot is in a place where I cannot hide or camouflage it. What can I do to salvage my favorite jeans?

Jena: I know you really like them, but if you cannot find another pair in that style I think it is time to just reconcile to the reality that the relationship as you knew it is over. Keep them for those private moments tackling other bleaching projects.

Michele': Well if you don't like patches, I think you are gonna have to toss them baby.

Elana: I know you say that the spot is in a place where it cannot be camouflaged, but I think that if you are creative it can be done. Find the perfect designer patch and put on the spot.

I know this may seem absolutely silly, but I have a problem that is really quite serious. I do not cook often. But every time I attempt to cook a meal, no matter what it is, I burn something. Have you ever heard of anyone with this problem? Do you have any suggestions for remedying this problem?

Jena: I can’t say I have ever heard of anyone with this problem other than myself. The way I deal with it is to simply avoid cooking meals. However, I’m not sure if you have that luxury. I am single and looking, and one the first things I ask a guy when I meet him is “Can you cook?” In all seriousness, I have had my best success when I just slow down a little. My worst burns have come when I was in a hurry or doing too many things at once.

Michele': My suggestion is that either you hire a chef or go out for your meals.

Elana: I do the same thing. Like me, you probably have a one-track mind. Pay more attention to what you are doing when you are in the kitchen.

I have a job where I deal with a lot of men all day. My problem is that they are always trying to pick me up. I have simply not figured out a way to deal with the ones that are overly persistent. I really do not want to be rude. Any suggestions for handling this problem?

Michele': Lucky you, somebody is flirting with you on a regular basis, be happy, not rude.

Elana: Be nice, but let them know in a nice way that you are not interested. But in all honesty, if it were me, I would tell them to go their merry way, but not so nicely.

Many years ago, I was a size eight and really felt like I was the cat's meow. I have inched up to being almost, but not quite a 16. Over the last year, I have gotten back down to a 12. My goal was really a 10, but everybody is telling me I should not lose any more weight because I look really good at this weight. They tell me if I lose any more weight I will look funny or odd? I know I can get down to a 10. What do you think?

Jena: I think this is a personal issue between you and your mirror. As long as you are eating healthy and you feel good, I would follow your own instincts. No one has to wear your pants but you. However, if you find yourself weighing below weight chart suggestions then I suggest that you see what your physician advises.

Michele': If you know you can do it, then do it. A 10 is good--I mean in comparison to a 16.

Elana: Do what you feel you should do and not what other people decide for you.

I am 16 years old. I have a sister who is about three years younger than me and people are always telling her how pretty she is. When they notice me they say, "you are cute too and your mommy says you are so smart." It has always been this way. I think my sister is really cute too, but I really get upset with how little these people seem to care about my feelings. I always just smile. Do you think I should say something to these people about their rudeness?

Jena: Girl, you are talking to the guru now. I too was the smart one and there is no glamour in that. But the older I get the more I realize that being the pretty one might not be all that great. Just ask Halle. In the end it’s not the outside that counts, its what is in your heart. Not to mention, I don’t care what they say I look pretty darn good myself. And, I personally would just say a little prayer for those rude folks asking that they get a little less insensitive as they get older.

Michele': No, don't utter a word. Just smile and remember that you are cute and smart too.

Elana: Being that I am one of those pretty girls, my advice is that you should not take it so personally. Don’t worry about other peoples’ opinions because you will never be able to control them. In other words, get over it.

I am a 40-year old divorced woman. I really want to be in a relationship with someone, but I really do not know what I want. The thing that really bothers me is that I really think I am still very immature. I have met some really nice men with okay personalities and good careers, but I am just not attracted to them physically--I am really attracted to really nice looking guys. It just seems that the really nice looking guys are all taken, or really jerks. Do you think that I am being immature?

Michele': Well this is just one woman’s opinion. But if I could meet this man that had all the qualities of a good man, such as: personality, warm-heartedness, well-established-not rich, but in good standing; good moral character; a good sense of humor; loves himself and his mother; and well groomed—not necessarily handsome, then he'd have my vote. He could probably win with me.

Elana: Not so much immature, but you do need to learn how to make better choices—not so impulsive.

I have been dating this lady for two years. I really love her but I know that if I get sick or lose my money our relationship would be over. She would leave me high and dry. I am thinking about asking her to marry me, but I know the deal. I know she will say yes, but if things get a little rough she will be on her way. What do you think I should do?

Jena: The first question that came to mind when I read this was “What are the chances of him getting sick or losing all of his money?” But really I don’t think that matters because none of us really knows the answer to that. I think that you know the deal and that you know the possible consequences of your actions. So now my question is “Do you feel lucky?”

Michele: If a man or a woman has any doubt in the one he or she's planning to spend the rest of her life with they should surely move on or wait until they are sure of each other.